Keeping the Faith

I have infinite faith in the Goddess. I really, truly do. And yet.... in the last year I've felt that faith challenged again and again. In my deepest heart, the depths of the ocean of my faith, it was unshakable. On the surface, though, there were tempests and typhoons, wild waves and waterspouts. First I'm planning a move to Washington, then Portland, then I find a house there, then it is delayed, then my cat dies, then the house falls through, then another cat dies. My heart is shattered, my faith is tested. I push through, make the move to Portland in March ... and the house I end up in is not right. I leave everything in boxes and begin what will surely be a very fast house-hunt. The Goddess wants me to have a cozy home! I believe this. My faith is strong.

And then a house appears that seems right. All signs point to perfect. Except... it's not available yet. Not in April. Not in May. Surely in June? I sit surrounded by boxes, battered by constant loud traffic noise. It's amazing how ungrounded I am. The house continues to not be ready yet. Through June, July... I can feel so strongly that the Goddess is teaching me something important, something that will serve me well in the years to come. But I just can't see it through the mists, can't hear it above the noise. And still, my faith holds -- I believe I will understand it someday, and that I am being led somewhere good. I actually have a dream where I hear Her voice saying clearly, "Everything that's coming is good." I write it on a sticky note, put it on my computer monitor, alongside a whole row of stickies: "Trust and be grateful." "Bless the space I'm in right now." "Offer it all up." "Give energy to the good things."

I've been sharing this process here, but I'm sharing it again because one of the things that happened to me along the way was that I often felt ashamed of being so knocked out of balance by relatively trivial things. Compared to what some people have to deal with -- and DO deal with -- being in a temporary house and losing two cat companions doesn't seem like that big a deal. I berated myself for not being able to keep up with this blogue, for not being able to keep my chin(s) up and just count my blessings, let a smile be my umbrella (I'm told that if you carry an umbrella in Portland you look like a tourist, but smiles are everywhere).

So I'm writing this to all of you who may be feeling the same way, feeling like gratefulness and faith should somehow keep you from drowning when those tempests and tides overwhelm you. I know there will be deeper comprehension of what this last year has been about when I get some distance from it and can see it with perspective. But right now, I think the immediate lesson is that it's okay to be scared. It doesn't mean you don't trust the Goddess (or God). It doesn't mean you have lost your faith. The prayers "Help me" and "I'm so lost" are still prayers, after all. They are flowing toward the source of your faith -- not offered upward to heaven, but deep down into those oceanic depths, where the dark waters hold mystery and eternity.

This week I signed a lease on a house. Not the one I've been waiting for. One that is so very much better for me in so very many ways. I'll be sharing more about it soon, I'm sure. Moving date is sometime in September. It crossed my mind that this is my faith being rewarded, but really, faith is its own reward. And it also doesn't NEED rewards. That's the whole point about faith, I think. It sustains you in the hard times, is validated in the good times, always there ready to receive whatever you pour into its vastness. Blessed be.

(Image above is Green Witch, by Gregory Spalenka)

Comments

[Dancing Heart]

Through the trials you have faced the better than ever has come your way...Most sorry for the losses of your kitties along the way and may your heart now open to the newness of your life ahead in your new home! Much love to you.....

[Ann]

That was so beautiful, Lunaea. Having faith doesn't mean we don't angst over our problems, or feel anxiety around them. It doesn't mean we sit back in oblivion and let the universe fix it. Having faith, to me, means that I trust I am capable of handling the problem and I trust I will receive the strength I need to get through the vicissitudes. The blessing isn't only that your house is ready for you; the blessing is also that you survived the wait and learned that you can handle it. xo

[Cara]

Crying as I read your post, my heart goes out to you Lunaea. Congratulations on your new home-to-be, may you live in abundant happiness there.
<3

[Morgaine]

So very glad to hear that you have found a new home of the heart. My year has been much the same, but still no move in sight. The cards keep counseling "patience", but sometimes it is so hard to wait. Still, there are many things to be grateful for and bringing Bastet into our lives has brought a peace and calm that was missing. Wishing you an easy move and a joyful new home.

Morgaine

[Michelle]

Blessings on your new home, Lunaea. And totally in agreement with what Ann wrote: "Having faith, to me, means that I trust I am capable of handling the problem and I trust I will receive the strength I need to get through the vicissitudes." May the road be smooth before you now.

[Debra She Who Seeks]

Very glad to hear that things are looking up! You've had a helluva year.

[cate]

Lunaea, there are a number of issues doing a number on my balance at present, and I REALLY needed to read this post. It was good to learn that the right house has come your way at last.

[Francesca]

I like your definition of faith. I always equate it with that "inmost calm" as the old song says. And the word 'inmost' describes it well, because it can sometimes be hard to reach! Good luck with your move. I hope you have a nice day for it.

[Kiara]

I understand completely! Four years ago, we moved into a house we were only supposed to spend one year in. In the last two years, we've been unable to sell our house, we've lost two kitty companions, my Grandfather (who was more like my Father), my Father-in-law and my job. It's been a hard four years but I feel as you do. I'm trying hard to keep the faith and your words have helped me see. Thanks for the inspiration and I hope things will turn around for us all soon.

[Trish]

Having been hoping good things since you've been so quiet on your blog these past months. Truly happy the tide has turned...much luck making your new life (isn't this the true new year?!?)

[Jem]

Lunae, what I love about your posts is your authenticity. You are not afraid to speak of your fears or your doubts, or even of your frustation and tests of faith. What that does for me, is validate my own journey, cutting through the nicities of illusion, and embedding it in the rich foundations of realness and truth. May you always express your truth here on the blog. No matter if you dont write for a while, as long as the blogues continue in this wonderful authentic vein. Thats what I come back to read each time...and that is what is real in your life. Bless you..from Australia.

[Risa]

This helped me so much as I sit here in my home with a broken foot. I can't do anything without crutches or help. The question "why?" keeps coming up and the still voice inside just tells me to be patient and present. I have been here before, in different circumstances in my life and I lean on that knowing and the faith that all will be alright very soon. And it will be a good story! So for now I must be really really patient and present and this too shall pass!

[Kaira Sherman]

Greetings All,
My name is Kaira and I am new to this blog. I currently reside in Central Oregon with my husband and 2 children. My oldest daughter lives in San Diego for college. I am a reader and medium, and love my work. I was intuitively led to Lunaea and her work, and am so happy to be here!
I noticed there are some members with names so similar to mine....Kiara, and Cara! funny....
Blessed Wishes to All ~
Kaira